Procrastination

  So i have been writting this book for the past, maybe 6 yrs. or so and i have writters block. I really need to finish it because i know it will benefit alot of people who have been in the same place. Since the death of my mom, i have lost all interset in basicaly everything. I used to get up around 6 am, get everything ready, coffee, walk the dogs ect. then wake everyone else up and send them on their way while i spent the day cleaning and preparing the meal for the evening, ocassionally baking a surprize for desert or after school snack, i was your quinessential mom, the stepford wife, if you will, and i actually prided myself on that, until recently.
   Laundry piles up and i don't care, till he is screaming he has no underwear. I get up now around 6:30 , wake everyone up go back to bed till 7am then send them on thier way all the while contamplating how soon i can get back to bed, then spend the next 4 or 5 hrs there until i leave to pick up the kids from school. somehow i manage to clean the kitchen only because i embarass easily if anyone saw it dirty. for the most part, i really don't care anymore, nothing is important to me. I don't even socialize with friends anymore, and before you say i need medication, i am already on it.
   This book i am writting represents me, accomplished in something greater than myself, something that would have made mom proud, for that reason alone, i have to get it done, although she can't be here to celebrate any successes i may have, i know in my heart she would be proud if i finished it. Being a mother and wife cannot be my only accomplishment in this life, i cannot let that happen as it does not define me as a person.

I suppose i will call this first entry open

  I decided to start writting this as a way to get all the stuff in my head, preventing me from sleeping, out of my mind, it cannot control me once it is out right? so let start with today, my husband is an alcoholic, he was sober for over five years till a couple yrs ago, his father got ill with cirrohsis . so basically he fell off the wagon , then last year april 24th his father passed away. the point to all of this is this, he bought a case of beer today and drank it all i caught him and he lied to my face, so i went straight to the beer cans in his garage and asked him "you still wanna stick with that story" he shakes his head no. I knew what i had done was wrong because of a book i read call co-dependant no more , and from that book it taught me not to police his every move and that is what i did in that moment. I have been with this man 15 yrs. and I too just lost my mom one month after his father passed so i really can't deal with his drinking. I think u can love someone and not be able to live together, that's why i want him to move out but he wont go so here i am stuck, i wont leave cuz i have kids and i decorated this entire house and i care for its maintenance .  since my moms passing, i can't sleep well so i have to medicate to sleep and sometimes that don't help either, so i figured i would blog, so here i am warts n all....