almost 6 yrs later

I finally divorced him over 2 yrs ago, he is still drinking & now drugs are deeply involved. He sold our family home for drugs, he will now be homeless AND he has my dog Sebastian,  i dont know what he will do with him. My daughter decided to stay to graduate but lives with my friend as she didn't want to move with me to st.louis. she will graduate in may then her brother wants her to move with him to Pittsburgh,  I'm ok with that because he is so protective & responsible. My son will be 23 in two weeks, he has his own place, a fianće and a job and now a Bachelors degree In science, I'm so proud of him.
  My daughter is going to go the college too, for graphic design, these kids are steady making me proud.
  I moved to st.louis in 2013, got remarried in 2014, to a friend from my teen yrs. We have many ups & downs but at least he is sober & pays attention to me. I can't say I'm too happy because i want to move closer to my kids but he doesn't want to move, so there's that. I am in counseling & do see a psyciatrist  , they have me on new meds that work pretty well. Anyway going to start my day.

Just tired

  Well I kicked him out AGAIN! I know I know, what's the point right? It's not like he is gonna magically just stop drinking and be the man i used to know. It's just so depressing, I feel so alone right now, like God is taking everything away from me to bring me to my knees, or blow my frikken head off one or the other idk? I just feel like screaming, I miss my son, he was always my rock when this stuff happend, my shoulder, but he is away at college and my daughter is too young to hear all this so I am alone! I am not going to air all this to my family , not like they don't already know he is an ass! The problem is......... I love him! God help me I do, so much it hurts, he is my best friend, but i feel like I have lost him?
  My other best friend, is fighting cancer for the second time in 5 years, It's not fair, she lost one breast now has it on her liver and in her bones! They think maybe her head? I don't know how i am going to cope without her in my life, I love her so much, I hate seeing her in pain and sick and how her daughter is having to care for her all while chasing a 1 yr. old, it is not fair how life deals us these fucked up hands!
    I am just so tired of losing everyone i love. I miss mom so much, I just miss her.

My dream life

  My life consists og the following things- one man whom i have been married to for 19 yrs, together since i was 15, he is the owner of a very successful auto shop, he makes well over 100,000 dollars a year. We have two beautiful children together, a boy who is going off to college in july to a school that gave him a full scholarship. we have a daughter who is a social butterfly, she has so many offers to go to different friends homes and parties, she gets very overwhelmed with whom to choose first so not to hurt peoples feelings, she is very sensitive to that.
  my husband takes me on many romantic getaways, this april, spring break, he is taking me to this gorgeous 3 bedroom, 2 bath cabin in blue ridge georgia, the cabin overlooks a beautiful lake and has 3 decks and a hot tub! I can't wait.
   We just bought our first vacation home in Savvanah georgia, it is an old plantation home built in the 1700's located on a 5 acre cotton field, which is no longer in production, the home has 6 bedrooms and 3 baths with a wrap around porch, it was beautifully restored to it's former grandure in 1998 with everything updated to modern amenities, he even had a kitchen island put in just for me! He also hired me a gardener to plant all of my favorite flowers including some special hybrid rose bushes he orded through a very exclusive grower. We have even discussed buying another plantation home to open my restaraunt in.
    My cheescakes and lasagna have become so popular in our town, that i have to rent a location to expand production just to keep up, the cheescakes will be sold across the country in restaraunts all over America, i am so happy i finally achieved something great.
    I could not be more happy, I Love my life, most people do not get to live out thier dreams, but i do and am so grateful to god for giving me the imagination to be able to live them out in words. Someday i will have everything i want, just gotta keep dreamin and keep believing that something great is just around the corner........
  

so fed up

My alcoholic husband is becoming more than i can take, my 18 yr. old wants to punch him and my 12 yr. old wants me to kick him out? i tried to keep this marriage together for thier sake and now they want me to get out of it- go figure. I am really ok with us not being together anymore for my emotional and mental well being, i do realize it is a nessesary evil that needs to be done. I need a job though or a steady source of income to make that happen. I love the man but not who he is now, who he used to be, i hate the man he is now and just want him gone, is that bad? I am pretty sure in time he will get himself arrested again and end up in jail, that is probably how he will leave. It is really sad that he is allowing it to go this far, he was sober for over five years, why put us through hell again? why?

Let there be light

   For the past couple weeks, i am finally coming out of the darkness. For the first time in months i actually feel like getting out of bed and doing things, I even started walking again. However, i do have much family stress from all directions.
   I am finding it easier to deal with everything. We shall see how long this lasts, i am hoping for awhile.

Tired

  Well, amidst the time change, which has me exhausted, i am going through family issues with one of my nephews and still with the hubby. He was drinking yet again and lied to me again! I know one day soon i will get up enough courage to walk out on him for good, love is not enough anymore.
  Why can't i have a normal life? why am i being tested everyday? I do feel a strength coming back in me, a strength i recognize from before my moms passing. She would be horrified to know what has become of our family. She married me and him ya know? To end it is heartbreaking but i know it is coming, he refuses to stop lieing and the trust is gone.
   My mind is exhausted along with my body and my tolerance is definitly waining. I am about to lose my sone who just turned 18, to college in another state, i want to move with him :(

I let it out

  I have been hanging out with my friend whom was recently hospitalized for mental issues that i myself have as well, we got to talking and i told her why i have been distant and exactly what i have been going through for the last 9 months, i told her my depression has been so bad it literally kept me in bed for months. up until this point no one has known just how bad my life has spiraled out of control since moms death, it felt good to tell someone and actually have them understand.
   for the past 2 weeks i have been making myself get up and do stuff and not go back to bed. I am proud to say, so far it is working. My sleep patters are still messed up but i am hopeful i can fix that with gods help and a little ambien. My mind races at night , thoughts of her, her death, her life ect, guilt and anger threaten to eat away at my mind and spirit every night which is what makes sleeping diffucult.
   I remember in 1987 my mom losing her mother, i remember her crying so hard like she could'nt breathe, i never knew that pain until now. Now that i do, i hurt for her going through that alone.
I miss her every second of everyday.