Let there be light

   For the past couple weeks, i am finally coming out of the darkness. For the first time in months i actually feel like getting out of bed and doing things, I even started walking again. However, i do have much family stress from all directions.
   I am finding it easier to deal with everything. We shall see how long this lasts, i am hoping for awhile.

Tired

  Well, amidst the time change, which has me exhausted, i am going through family issues with one of my nephews and still with the hubby. He was drinking yet again and lied to me again! I know one day soon i will get up enough courage to walk out on him for good, love is not enough anymore.
  Why can't i have a normal life? why am i being tested everyday? I do feel a strength coming back in me, a strength i recognize from before my moms passing. She would be horrified to know what has become of our family. She married me and him ya know? To end it is heartbreaking but i know it is coming, he refuses to stop lieing and the trust is gone.
   My mind is exhausted along with my body and my tolerance is definitly waining. I am about to lose my sone who just turned 18, to college in another state, i want to move with him :(

I let it out

  I have been hanging out with my friend whom was recently hospitalized for mental issues that i myself have as well, we got to talking and i told her why i have been distant and exactly what i have been going through for the last 9 months, i told her my depression has been so bad it literally kept me in bed for months. up until this point no one has known just how bad my life has spiraled out of control since moms death, it felt good to tell someone and actually have them understand.
   for the past 2 weeks i have been making myself get up and do stuff and not go back to bed. I am proud to say, so far it is working. My sleep patters are still messed up but i am hopeful i can fix that with gods help and a little ambien. My mind races at night , thoughts of her, her death, her life ect, guilt and anger threaten to eat away at my mind and spirit every night which is what makes sleeping diffucult.
   I remember in 1987 my mom losing her mother, i remember her crying so hard like she could'nt breathe, i never knew that pain until now. Now that i do, i hurt for her going through that alone.
I miss her every second of everyday.
   

ups and downs

   well yesterday was a good day, i woke up happy, got my new desk delivered and got to eat sushi which i love, then comes today, again i wake up well, I did take a short nap, and had to rent a steam cleaner for the carpets which are stained with pee from the dogs.
     at the moment i have a headach from hell which is trying to morph into a migrain of which i tend to get frequently and have been on meds for it for years, i do not take any for it at the moment however i did take an ibprofen. I think this day will clasify as an ok day, not great. this is how it is with depression, you never know how you will start or end the day, if one moment will bring you to your knees or lift you up so high you soar.
     

wierdness

  Well, i shall start today in a strange mood, a little devious if u will, i am having an odd sense of humor today i suppose that is a good thing, anywho, my son made it in the paper for being an acedemic achiever, can u believe it? He is acomplishing more than i ever could have dreamed for him, i always knew he would be great, but he is surpassing everything i thought. I could not be a more proud mother to this beautiful child who has become a man right before my eyes.
   I don't think i will go back to sleep this morning, i think today i will take my happy ass into the shower and attempt to have a productive day, lets hope my good intentions are not for not. I have to make a conscience decision everyday to pull myself out of this funk, they call depression, it overtakes me on most days, some people say depression is all in your head, but i gotta tell you, i know they are wrong first hand, my body has decided it has had enough and literally shuts down on me wether i like it or not, no attempts to get out of bed or do anything normal, happen, it won't let me, it zaps all your energy and takes over your thoughts, basically driving you crazy.
    anyone who tells you, depression is all in your head, has never really been in a real depression themselves or they would never say that. However, since i do have good moments and bad moments, i shall savor this moment and take my shower and try to face this beautiful day instead of wasting it sleeping.