Just tired

  Well I kicked him out AGAIN! I know I know, what's the point right? It's not like he is gonna magically just stop drinking and be the man i used to know. It's just so depressing, I feel so alone right now, like God is taking everything away from me to bring me to my knees, or blow my frikken head off one or the other idk? I just feel like screaming, I miss my son, he was always my rock when this stuff happend, my shoulder, but he is away at college and my daughter is too young to hear all this so I am alone! I am not going to air all this to my family , not like they don't already know he is an ass! The problem is......... I love him! God help me I do, so much it hurts, he is my best friend, but i feel like I have lost him?
  My other best friend, is fighting cancer for the second time in 5 years, It's not fair, she lost one breast now has it on her liver and in her bones! They think maybe her head? I don't know how i am going to cope without her in my life, I love her so much, I hate seeing her in pain and sick and how her daughter is having to care for her all while chasing a 1 yr. old, it is not fair how life deals us these fucked up hands!
    I am just so tired of losing everyone i love. I miss mom so much, I just miss her.

My dream life

  My life consists og the following things- one man whom i have been married to for 19 yrs, together since i was 15, he is the owner of a very successful auto shop, he makes well over 100,000 dollars a year. We have two beautiful children together, a boy who is going off to college in july to a school that gave him a full scholarship. we have a daughter who is a social butterfly, she has so many offers to go to different friends homes and parties, she gets very overwhelmed with whom to choose first so not to hurt peoples feelings, she is very sensitive to that.
  my husband takes me on many romantic getaways, this april, spring break, he is taking me to this gorgeous 3 bedroom, 2 bath cabin in blue ridge georgia, the cabin overlooks a beautiful lake and has 3 decks and a hot tub! I can't wait.
   We just bought our first vacation home in Savvanah georgia, it is an old plantation home built in the 1700's located on a 5 acre cotton field, which is no longer in production, the home has 6 bedrooms and 3 baths with a wrap around porch, it was beautifully restored to it's former grandure in 1998 with everything updated to modern amenities, he even had a kitchen island put in just for me! He also hired me a gardener to plant all of my favorite flowers including some special hybrid rose bushes he orded through a very exclusive grower. We have even discussed buying another plantation home to open my restaraunt in.
    My cheescakes and lasagna have become so popular in our town, that i have to rent a location to expand production just to keep up, the cheescakes will be sold across the country in restaraunts all over America, i am so happy i finally achieved something great.
    I could not be more happy, I Love my life, most people do not get to live out thier dreams, but i do and am so grateful to god for giving me the imagination to be able to live them out in words. Someday i will have everything i want, just gotta keep dreamin and keep believing that something great is just around the corner........
  

so fed up

My alcoholic husband is becoming more than i can take, my 18 yr. old wants to punch him and my 12 yr. old wants me to kick him out? i tried to keep this marriage together for thier sake and now they want me to get out of it- go figure. I am really ok with us not being together anymore for my emotional and mental well being, i do realize it is a nessesary evil that needs to be done. I need a job though or a steady source of income to make that happen. I love the man but not who he is now, who he used to be, i hate the man he is now and just want him gone, is that bad? I am pretty sure in time he will get himself arrested again and end up in jail, that is probably how he will leave. It is really sad that he is allowing it to go this far, he was sober for over five years, why put us through hell again? why?

Let there be light

   For the past couple weeks, i am finally coming out of the darkness. For the first time in months i actually feel like getting out of bed and doing things, I even started walking again. However, i do have much family stress from all directions.
   I am finding it easier to deal with everything. We shall see how long this lasts, i am hoping for awhile.

Tired

  Well, amidst the time change, which has me exhausted, i am going through family issues with one of my nephews and still with the hubby. He was drinking yet again and lied to me again! I know one day soon i will get up enough courage to walk out on him for good, love is not enough anymore.
  Why can't i have a normal life? why am i being tested everyday? I do feel a strength coming back in me, a strength i recognize from before my moms passing. She would be horrified to know what has become of our family. She married me and him ya know? To end it is heartbreaking but i know it is coming, he refuses to stop lieing and the trust is gone.
   My mind is exhausted along with my body and my tolerance is definitly waining. I am about to lose my sone who just turned 18, to college in another state, i want to move with him :(

I let it out

  I have been hanging out with my friend whom was recently hospitalized for mental issues that i myself have as well, we got to talking and i told her why i have been distant and exactly what i have been going through for the last 9 months, i told her my depression has been so bad it literally kept me in bed for months. up until this point no one has known just how bad my life has spiraled out of control since moms death, it felt good to tell someone and actually have them understand.
   for the past 2 weeks i have been making myself get up and do stuff and not go back to bed. I am proud to say, so far it is working. My sleep patters are still messed up but i am hopeful i can fix that with gods help and a little ambien. My mind races at night , thoughts of her, her death, her life ect, guilt and anger threaten to eat away at my mind and spirit every night which is what makes sleeping diffucult.
   I remember in 1987 my mom losing her mother, i remember her crying so hard like she could'nt breathe, i never knew that pain until now. Now that i do, i hurt for her going through that alone.
I miss her every second of everyday.
   

ups and downs

   well yesterday was a good day, i woke up happy, got my new desk delivered and got to eat sushi which i love, then comes today, again i wake up well, I did take a short nap, and had to rent a steam cleaner for the carpets which are stained with pee from the dogs.
     at the moment i have a headach from hell which is trying to morph into a migrain of which i tend to get frequently and have been on meds for it for years, i do not take any for it at the moment however i did take an ibprofen. I think this day will clasify as an ok day, not great. this is how it is with depression, you never know how you will start or end the day, if one moment will bring you to your knees or lift you up so high you soar.
     

wierdness

  Well, i shall start today in a strange mood, a little devious if u will, i am having an odd sense of humor today i suppose that is a good thing, anywho, my son made it in the paper for being an acedemic achiever, can u believe it? He is acomplishing more than i ever could have dreamed for him, i always knew he would be great, but he is surpassing everything i thought. I could not be a more proud mother to this beautiful child who has become a man right before my eyes.
   I don't think i will go back to sleep this morning, i think today i will take my happy ass into the shower and attempt to have a productive day, lets hope my good intentions are not for not. I have to make a conscience decision everyday to pull myself out of this funk, they call depression, it overtakes me on most days, some people say depression is all in your head, but i gotta tell you, i know they are wrong first hand, my body has decided it has had enough and literally shuts down on me wether i like it or not, no attempts to get out of bed or do anything normal, happen, it won't let me, it zaps all your energy and takes over your thoughts, basically driving you crazy.
    anyone who tells you, depression is all in your head, has never really been in a real depression themselves or they would never say that. However, since i do have good moments and bad moments, i shall savor this moment and take my shower and try to face this beautiful day instead of wasting it sleeping.

Procrastination

  So i have been writting this book for the past, maybe 6 yrs. or so and i have writters block. I really need to finish it because i know it will benefit alot of people who have been in the same place. Since the death of my mom, i have lost all interset in basicaly everything. I used to get up around 6 am, get everything ready, coffee, walk the dogs ect. then wake everyone else up and send them on their way while i spent the day cleaning and preparing the meal for the evening, ocassionally baking a surprize for desert or after school snack, i was your quinessential mom, the stepford wife, if you will, and i actually prided myself on that, until recently.
   Laundry piles up and i don't care, till he is screaming he has no underwear. I get up now around 6:30 , wake everyone up go back to bed till 7am then send them on thier way all the while contamplating how soon i can get back to bed, then spend the next 4 or 5 hrs there until i leave to pick up the kids from school. somehow i manage to clean the kitchen only because i embarass easily if anyone saw it dirty. for the most part, i really don't care anymore, nothing is important to me. I don't even socialize with friends anymore, and before you say i need medication, i am already on it.
   This book i am writting represents me, accomplished in something greater than myself, something that would have made mom proud, for that reason alone, i have to get it done, although she can't be here to celebrate any successes i may have, i know in my heart she would be proud if i finished it. Being a mother and wife cannot be my only accomplishment in this life, i cannot let that happen as it does not define me as a person.

I suppose i will call this first entry open

  I decided to start writting this as a way to get all the stuff in my head, preventing me from sleeping, out of my mind, it cannot control me once it is out right? so let start with today, my husband is an alcoholic, he was sober for over five years till a couple yrs ago, his father got ill with cirrohsis . so basically he fell off the wagon , then last year april 24th his father passed away. the point to all of this is this, he bought a case of beer today and drank it all i caught him and he lied to my face, so i went straight to the beer cans in his garage and asked him "you still wanna stick with that story" he shakes his head no. I knew what i had done was wrong because of a book i read call co-dependant no more , and from that book it taught me not to police his every move and that is what i did in that moment. I have been with this man 15 yrs. and I too just lost my mom one month after his father passed so i really can't deal with his drinking. I think u can love someone and not be able to live together, that's why i want him to move out but he wont go so here i am stuck, i wont leave cuz i have kids and i decorated this entire house and i care for its maintenance .  since my moms passing, i can't sleep well so i have to medicate to sleep and sometimes that don't help either, so i figured i would blog, so here i am warts n all....